In which I am interviewed by 12-year-olds

Today's terrible interview story comes courtesy of an iconic New York City institution. Yes, internets, it is indeed iconic. And when they called to ask me to come interview for a press job I just about flipped out because it sounded like the COOLEST JOB IN THE WORLD. New York City! Iconic institutions! I have another shot at my romatic-comedy-set-in-New-York ideal world!

Naturally, I didn't tell anyone about it, because I had already learned my lesson about telling everyone about interviews in New York City (see: 'In which I am made to interview for a different job'). So I snuck up to New York in the dark of night...er, on the bus, actually, in broad daylight, but the point is, it was a top-secret mission.

So, the bus arrives on time, I tidy myself up in the bathroom in Penn Station - managing not to get grosser just by going in there - and skip to the interview. La la la! It's a pretty day in New York City! I have an interview for the perfect job! Hello, homeless man! Hello, disgruntled subway commuter! Hello, starving off-Broadway dancer living with 10 people in a studio apartment and no running water! HELLO NEW YORK! LA LA LALALA!

I arrive at my interview destination.

"HELLO!" I boom to the building guard. "I'M HERE FOR AN INTERVIEW! WITH [ICONIC INSTITUTION]! HELLO! HELLO HELLO!"

Guard, raising his eyebrows and wearily picking up the phone: "Girl you need to CALM YOURSELF."

Me: "Erm...ahem. Yes. Sorry about that."

Guard: "Alright. You can go upstairs."

Me: "Thank you."

I go upstairs and sit in the waiting room and end up waiting for, like, 45 minutes, which gives me plenty of time to really build up the importance of this interview in my head and therefore make myself very, very nervous. I keep thinking "man this would be such a great job, and this is an important interview, so DON'T BLOW IT," which then reminds me of the Blue Oyster Cult sketch on SNL where Will Ferrell threatens to walk out of the recording studio because they're not taking the cowbell seriously and Chris Kattan is like "DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US, GENE." And then of course Christopher Walken comes out and is all "I GOT A FEVER, AND THE ONLY PRESCRIPTION IS MORE COWBELL," and -

"[K]"? Oh - someone is calling my name.

Me: "Yes! Hello!"

[Receptionist]: "They're ready for you now."

Me: "Great."

I walk into the office where two girls are waiting for me. Two girls who look younger than me...which, by the way, is hard to do, because I look about 16.

[Girl #1]: "Hi [K]. I'm [Girl #1]. I'm in the HR department - we always do an HR interview screen first, with all of our candidates."

Me: "Oh, OK, so - you're not with the communications department, then."

[Girl #1]: "No. If you get to the next round, you'll meet the communications team."

Me: "OK. Got it."

[Girl #1]: "And this is [Girl #2]. She's in training and she's going to sit in with me and ask you some questions as well."

Me: "OK, great."

[Girl #1]: "[Girl #2], do you want to start?"

[Girl #2], clearing her throat, sitting up straight, and reading from a notepad: "Tell us about a time where you used your communications skills."

Me: "Erm."

[Girls #1 and #2]: Looking at me expectantly.

Me: "Ah, well, I...hee, I've sort of been doing that for a living, these past few years."

[Girls #1 and #2]: Still looking at me expectantly.

Me: "Um...but I guess I can point to some, um, specific examples. For example..." blah blah communications experience blah.

[Girl #2]: "OK." Makes note in her notepad.

Me: Uncertain silence.

[Girl #2], reading from notepad: "Tell us about a time where you had to solve a problem."

Me: "Erm...well, I - I guess there have been, ah, several times..."

[Girls #1 and #2]: Again, waiting expectantly.

Me: "Ah. Well, I guess a good example would be the time..." blah blah stupid story about dealing with breaking news/bad press whatever blah.

[Girl #2]: "OK." Writes again in notepad.

[Girl #1], reading from her own notepad: "What do you like best about communications."

Um...good gravy.

The interview continues like this for another 30 minutes {"Tell us about a time where you had to work together with someone," "Tell us about a time where you overcame an obstacle") and then:

[Girls #1 and #2]: "OK thank you for coming."

Me: "Oh! Well, thank you very much. I just - I know that this position requires fairly advanced knowledge of video editing tools, and I wanted to tell you I - "

Blank looks from [Girls #1 and #2]

Me: "Erm, that...that, I've edited quite a bit, and have filmed for myself, so..."

More blank stares.

Me: "So...I wanted to let you know that I, um, I've had some experience with that. And I also know the position would involve substantial writing, and I..."

More. Blank. Staring.

Me: "I, um, have done a great deal, a wide variety, really, of writing, and I'm happy to provide you with samples, if...if you'd like."

[Girl #1]: "OK. Thanks."

Me: "Um...thank you. Thank you! This is - this sounds like a really wonderful opportunity."

[Girl #1]: "Mmm-hmm. Thanks for coming."

Me: "Erm...you're welcome."

I exit the building and promptly think, "Ummmmmm...what just happened? Is it me, or did we...not talk about the job, at all? Did I mess this up? OH GOSH I MUST HAVE MESSED IT UP BUT HOW? HOW? GAAAAAAAAAH."

And then, of course, since I was agitated and anxious, the New York City streets around me went from being happy and sunny and lovely to "hey hey HEY, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, CAB DRIVER? DO YOU NOT SEE THAT YOU HAVE A RED LIGHT? I MEAN REALLY. Oh hey lady DO NOT THINK YOU CAN CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE TRAIN LINE AT PENN STATION. OH NO, NO NO," and on and on.

Oh, well. Anyway, I, of course, did not get called back for round two. New York, you and I will just have to wait to be together, it seems.

In conclusion: "I'm telling you, you're gonna want that cowbell."