Over the weekend, I stumbled across this HIGH-LARIOUS terrible interview story that some guy wrote for the New York Times. And despite the fact that it's a) not my own story; b) not so much of a terrible-interview-story as a forced-to-take-extreme-actions-out-of-sheer-frustration-in-the-interview-process story; and c) apparently violates some kind of copyright law for me to just post the story here - I'm posting it anyway. Because this "Neal Hirschfeld" and I are clearly kindred spirits, and I'm guessing that this man could also fill up his own blog of terrible interview stories.
ENJOY.
Complaint Box: The E-Snub
New York Times
Neal Hirschfeld
January 22, 2010
NOT too long ago, a magazine in Manhattan invited me, by e-mail, to interview for a job. After meeting with me, the managing editor and the director of human resources asked me to take home the standard editing test and return it ASAP. I dutifully obliged.
And then I waited. One day. Two days. A week. A month. Two months. Three … well, you get the picture.
Not only was there no word on whether I would be offered the job — nobody at the magazine even bothered to e-mail me to say that my completed test had been received!
Back in the good old days, people used to duck your phone calls. Or just not return them. But in this, the electronic era, a whole new brand of disdain has come into vogue. The age of the e-snub is upon us.
I have grown weary of this kind of “dissing.” People who seem to go blind, mute and limp when all you are seeking are a few keystrokes in reply. Prospective employers whose computers appear to crash when asked to give something resembling a definitive answer, one way or the other.
Annoying e-mail messages plague all of us, but those of a more legitimate nature are surely deserving of a simple reply. Unfortunately, basic e-courtesy is in short supply. So, having been burned in the past by e-boors, I decided that enough was enough. The magazine had left me in limbo. I was going to have my revenge.
Sitting down at my computer one morning, I e-mailed the managing editor to say that I had happily accepted the job. More specifically, I wrote that I was “delighted to learn that I will be joining the editorial team!” I went on to say that “the salary and vacation are fine and I will report for duty bright and early Monday morning.”
Whereupon, after the prolonged cold shoulder I had received, I was immediately bombarded with urgent e-mail messages, accompanied by the online equivalent of bells and whistles — the red exclamation point. Urgent messages were left on my answering machine, demanding that I call Human Resources at once. It was just too delicious.
When I finally did call back, the H.R. director was beside herself. “Who authorized this?” she demanded breathlessly. “Who was it that told you? There must have been some mistake. Nobody cleared this with me. I don’t get it.”
“Well,” I said sweetly, “I spoke to the editor in chief and he told me I’ve been hired, so I’ll be there first thing Monday. And, let me tell you, I am truly excited about joining your team!”
“But … but … but …” she sputtered.
Finally, I let the cat out of the bag.
“Listen, lady,” I told her, “when you ask someone to come in for an interview, take a test and physically return it to you, and you can’t be bothered after three months to let that person know where he or she stands, much less acknowledge even receiving the test back, you are nothing but rude, thoughtless, unprofessional amateurs.”
Huffily, she started to give me the stock speech about “our hiring procedures,” until I abruptly cut her off with the appropriate barnyard epithet. Then I barked: “Do you get it now? Well, do you?”
Meekly, she conceded, “Yes, I get it.”
No, I did not get the job. But there have been other satisfactions — most notably, the kudos of other slighted job seekers when I relate the tale. Having been subjected to similar indignities, they tell me they love it, absolutely love it. In fact, it’s been something on the order of a collective cheer.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
In which the tables are turned
PEOPLE OF EARTH:
In celebration of the fact that I have managed to snag myself an occasional freelance gig, and it's too early to start the celebratory drinking, I've decided instead to write up a terrible interview story that has a delightful twist to it.
A few months ago, I was at a birthday party for one of my friends, and was talking to his roommate, whom I'd never met before. He was talking about how he wanted to prank this guy that he worked with - there was an open accounting position at their company, and this guy had interviewed a bunch of people for the job but hadn't actually hired anyone yet, and it was getting kind of annoying for everyone else. Also, the guy was kind of a tool.
So, in other words, a perfect prank target.
"Yeah, I really want to have someone come in to interview with him, and just be, like, the worst person ever," said my friend's roommate. "Just give the most absolute worst interview and freak him out."
"Heee!" I said. "That would actually be really funny to watch."
"Oh, so you're going to do it?" said my friend, appearing from out of nowhere.
"I - what?" I said.
"I suggested you, as the person to do it," said my friend. "To be the fake interviewee. I mean, you're not doing anything during the day."
Ahem.
"Oh stop," said my friend, who, I should say, was also unemployed at the time. "I can't do it myself, and you'd have fun with it, right?"
"Hmmm," I said.
"We'll tell you everything you'll need to know," said my friend's roommate. "All you have to do is act like it's a real interview."
"Well," I said, "I mean...oh...alright, WHY NOT," and took another swig of beer.
I mean, I wasn't really doing anything during the day.
So.
A week later, I am on my way to this company to "interview" for an accounting job. My friend's roommate and his coworkers had made up a fake resume for me, and had written down a bunch of suggestions of things to say, and also gave me an "interview survey" that I needed to have this guy fill out at the end of the interview - a written assessment of my interviewing skillz.
"How am I supposed to get him to do that?" I asked.
"Just, you know, hand it to him at the end," said my friend's roommate - whom I'm going to call "Paul" from now on to avoid confusion - while we conferred in the car on the way over to his office building. "OK, so, you kind of have free reign - put your feet up, say inappropriate things, just basically try and be the worst possible job candidate in the entire world. Oh - did you bring any gum? You should probably chew gum during the interview."
"Oh," I said, "no, but I brought a bag of carrots."
Pause.
Paul: "Yessssssssssssssssssss."
So, Paul drops me off at the office building and goes to park his car and sneak back inside so he wouldn't be seen with me, and I mosey up to the office and announce that I'm here for an interview for the accounting job.
Also, side note, I've mentioned this before but it should be said again that I have ABSOLUTELY NO MATH SKILLS WHATSOEVER. And I am supposed to be legitimately passing as an accountant during this interview. Hmmm.
Anyway, so I'm sitting in the lobby, dressed in my interview best, when the prank target comes out. We'll call him... "Ron."
Ron: "[K]? Thanks for coming in, let's get started."
Me: "Ok, great."
We sit in the conference room. I slouch in my chair.
Ron: "Now, why don't you tell me a little bit about your background."
Me: "Sure."
I put my feet up on the chair next to me.
Ron: Appears unfazed.
Hmmm.
Me: "Well, I graduated from...from..."
Oh my gosh, I can't remember what my fake resume says.
Me: "Um...well, I graduated from...college...and started working in the accounting field. I worked for a nonprofit and then I moved to the American Diabetes Association, which is where I am currently."
Ron: "Cool."
Me: "Yep. I work in the fundraising department. But, you know, I'm looking to make a change. I have an ethical conflict."
Ron: "Oh. Really?"
Me: "Yeah. I mean, all day long, people are calling me, wanting to make donations. But GOD I just want to be all, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY, PEOPLE."
Ron: "Uh...why?"
Me: "I just think of diabetes as, like, a weak disease, you know? I mean, worst case scenario, what - you lose a foot?"
Ron: Perplexed silence.
Me: "Oh nooooo, my FOOT is gone! OH HORRORS! God. I just want to say to these people - why don't you give your money to a place that prevents, like, a real disease? Like AIDS."
Ron: Continued perplexed silence.
I stretch my legs out in my chair.
Ron: "Um...ok."
Me, pulling out my bag of carrots: "Do you mind if I eat? I have low blood sugar."
Ron: "Uh - no, go ahead."
Me: "Thanks."
Ron: "So - well, let me tell you a little bit about the job. It's in the accounting department - "
Me: CRUNCH CRUNCH BITE CARROT CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.
Ron: "And...er...well, we're looking to move pretty quickly on this, and..."
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. Swallow.
Me: "Yeah, it sounds great. I hope it's not too math-heavy, though."
Ron, laughing uncomfortably: "Really? Why?"
Me: "I mean, I technically work in fundraising now, but I'm not exactly 'good with numbers' [complete with air quotes] so, yeah."
Ron: "Well - ha - that's - haha, that's alright."
Me: "Great!" Crunch crunch.
My cell phone, which I have conveniently set to a super annoying, high-pitched ring tone, rings.
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEE TEE TEE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEE TEE TEE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEE TEE TEE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: "Oh! I'm sorry - I just need to get this. Won't take a minute. Hello?"
Paul, who is on the other end of the line: "How's it going?"
Me: "OH HEY BOO!" Pause. "Yeah, I can talk." Pause. "Oh, no, nothing important. What's up?"
Paul then feeds me a bunch of hilarious lines that sadly I CAN'T REMEMBER. Real "Paul," do you remember? I feel like we staged a fight, but I don't know. Whatever it was, it went on for, like, ten minutes, while "Ron" started to look increasingly awkward and annoyed at the same time. Anyway.
Me, hanging up the phone: "Sorry about that."
Ron: "No problem."
Me: "Great. Superrrrr."
Ron: "So. Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me: "Oh. Actually, I kind of just want to get married, and just...not do anything."
Ron: "I see."
Me: "Incidentally, what is your policy on inter-office dating?"
Ron, laughing uncomfortably: "Oh haa har, uh, I don't think there is one. I guess you just shouldn't, like, date the boss, maybe."
Me: "Oh, I KNOW. Believe me. Learned that one the hard way."
Ron actually looks somewhat impressed/extremely interested by this. Ha. Boys.
Me: CRUNCH CRUNCH MORE CARROTS CRUNCH.
Ron: "If you could do one thing in the last five years differently, what would it be?"
Me, putting my feet up in the desk: "Um, I guess back when I was a freshman at U -" I stop myself just in time from saying my actual alma mater, before remember that I have a fake resume that I'm supposed to be sticking to.
Me: "At - um, at - at [college on fake resume] - well, I had a minor accident with a car."
Ron: "Really."
Me: "Yeah. But that guy didn't have to lose his leg after all, so actually, maybe I wouldn't do it differently."
Ron: Staring pensively off into space.
Me: "Um...what would you do differently?"
Ron then launches into a really heartfelt story about how he wouldn't have stopped playing AA baseball during college. It's actually really kind of emotional. I start to feel like an ass.
Me: "Wow. Well...you can...always play baseball, now, for...like...a league here, maybe?"
Ron: "Well, anyway, as I said, we're going to make a decision pretty quickly, so - oh, I forgot to ask, how did you find out about this position?"
Me, remembering on that on my fake resume, it says I know a real person at the company: "Oh, I know [actual employee], she told me about it."
Ron: "Oh, you know [actual employee]! That's great."
Me: "Yeah. She's kind of a bitch, though."
Ron: Stunned silence.
Me: "Oh! I forgot - before I leave, could you just, um, fill out this survey for me?"
Ron, taking the paper and looking puzzled: "Survey?"
Me: "Yeah, it's - ah - my, ah, therapist, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to get feedback on my interviewing skills."
Ron: "Oh. Sure."
We walk out of the conference room, around the corner, and into the lobby where the ENTIRE COMPANY IS APPLAUDING.
Ron: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW THIS COULD NOT HAVE BEEN A REAL INTERVIEW, I KNEW IT!"
Ahhhhh. Prank: successful. And I must say, getting to say crazy things and watching the INTERVIEWER squirm for once, instead of the other way around, was the BEST FEELING EVER.
Poor guy, though. I hope he's forgiven me by now.
In celebration of the fact that I have managed to snag myself an occasional freelance gig, and it's too early to start the celebratory drinking, I've decided instead to write up a terrible interview story that has a delightful twist to it.
A few months ago, I was at a birthday party for one of my friends, and was talking to his roommate, whom I'd never met before. He was talking about how he wanted to prank this guy that he worked with - there was an open accounting position at their company, and this guy had interviewed a bunch of people for the job but hadn't actually hired anyone yet, and it was getting kind of annoying for everyone else. Also, the guy was kind of a tool.
So, in other words, a perfect prank target.
"Yeah, I really want to have someone come in to interview with him, and just be, like, the worst person ever," said my friend's roommate. "Just give the most absolute worst interview and freak him out."
"Heee!" I said. "That would actually be really funny to watch."
"Oh, so you're going to do it?" said my friend, appearing from out of nowhere.
"I - what?" I said.
"I suggested you, as the person to do it," said my friend. "To be the fake interviewee. I mean, you're not doing anything during the day."
Ahem.
"Oh stop," said my friend, who, I should say, was also unemployed at the time. "I can't do it myself, and you'd have fun with it, right?"
"Hmmm," I said.
"We'll tell you everything you'll need to know," said my friend's roommate. "All you have to do is act like it's a real interview."
"Well," I said, "I mean...oh...alright, WHY NOT," and took another swig of beer.
I mean, I wasn't really doing anything during the day.
So.
A week later, I am on my way to this company to "interview" for an accounting job. My friend's roommate and his coworkers had made up a fake resume for me, and had written down a bunch of suggestions of things to say, and also gave me an "interview survey" that I needed to have this guy fill out at the end of the interview - a written assessment of my interviewing skillz.
"How am I supposed to get him to do that?" I asked.
"Just, you know, hand it to him at the end," said my friend's roommate - whom I'm going to call "Paul" from now on to avoid confusion - while we conferred in the car on the way over to his office building. "OK, so, you kind of have free reign - put your feet up, say inappropriate things, just basically try and be the worst possible job candidate in the entire world. Oh - did you bring any gum? You should probably chew gum during the interview."
"Oh," I said, "no, but I brought a bag of carrots."
Pause.
Paul: "Yessssssssssssssssssss."
So, Paul drops me off at the office building and goes to park his car and sneak back inside so he wouldn't be seen with me, and I mosey up to the office and announce that I'm here for an interview for the accounting job.
Also, side note, I've mentioned this before but it should be said again that I have ABSOLUTELY NO MATH SKILLS WHATSOEVER. And I am supposed to be legitimately passing as an accountant during this interview. Hmmm.
Anyway, so I'm sitting in the lobby, dressed in my interview best, when the prank target comes out. We'll call him... "Ron."
Ron: "[K]? Thanks for coming in, let's get started."
Me: "Ok, great."
We sit in the conference room. I slouch in my chair.
Ron: "Now, why don't you tell me a little bit about your background."
Me: "Sure."
I put my feet up on the chair next to me.
Ron: Appears unfazed.
Hmmm.
Me: "Well, I graduated from...from..."
Oh my gosh, I can't remember what my fake resume says.
Me: "Um...well, I graduated from...college...and started working in the accounting field. I worked for a nonprofit and then I moved to the American Diabetes Association, which is where I am currently."
Ron: "Cool."
Me: "Yep. I work in the fundraising department. But, you know, I'm looking to make a change. I have an ethical conflict."
Ron: "Oh. Really?"
Me: "Yeah. I mean, all day long, people are calling me, wanting to make donations. But GOD I just want to be all, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY, PEOPLE."
Ron: "Uh...why?"
Me: "I just think of diabetes as, like, a weak disease, you know? I mean, worst case scenario, what - you lose a foot?"
Ron: Perplexed silence.
Me: "Oh nooooo, my FOOT is gone! OH HORRORS! God. I just want to say to these people - why don't you give your money to a place that prevents, like, a real disease? Like AIDS."
Ron: Continued perplexed silence.
I stretch my legs out in my chair.
Ron: "Um...ok."
Me, pulling out my bag of carrots: "Do you mind if I eat? I have low blood sugar."
Ron: "Uh - no, go ahead."
Me: "Thanks."
Ron: "So - well, let me tell you a little bit about the job. It's in the accounting department - "
Me: CRUNCH CRUNCH BITE CARROT CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.
Ron: "And...er...well, we're looking to move pretty quickly on this, and..."
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. Swallow.
Me: "Yeah, it sounds great. I hope it's not too math-heavy, though."
Ron, laughing uncomfortably: "Really? Why?"
Me: "I mean, I technically work in fundraising now, but I'm not exactly 'good with numbers' [complete with air quotes] so, yeah."
Ron: "Well - ha - that's - haha, that's alright."
Me: "Great!" Crunch crunch.
My cell phone, which I have conveniently set to a super annoying, high-pitched ring tone, rings.
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEE TEE TEE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEE TEE TEE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEE TEE TEE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: "Oh! I'm sorry - I just need to get this. Won't take a minute. Hello?"
Paul, who is on the other end of the line: "How's it going?"
Me: "OH HEY BOO!" Pause. "Yeah, I can talk." Pause. "Oh, no, nothing important. What's up?"
Paul then feeds me a bunch of hilarious lines that sadly I CAN'T REMEMBER. Real "Paul," do you remember? I feel like we staged a fight, but I don't know. Whatever it was, it went on for, like, ten minutes, while "Ron" started to look increasingly awkward and annoyed at the same time. Anyway.
Me, hanging up the phone: "Sorry about that."
Ron: "No problem."
Me: "Great. Superrrrr."
Ron: "So. Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me: "Oh. Actually, I kind of just want to get married, and just...not do anything."
Ron: "I see."
Me: "Incidentally, what is your policy on inter-office dating?"
Ron, laughing uncomfortably: "Oh haa har, uh, I don't think there is one. I guess you just shouldn't, like, date the boss, maybe."
Me: "Oh, I KNOW. Believe me. Learned that one the hard way."
Ron actually looks somewhat impressed/extremely interested by this. Ha. Boys.
Me: CRUNCH CRUNCH MORE CARROTS CRUNCH.
Ron: "If you could do one thing in the last five years differently, what would it be?"
Me, putting my feet up in the desk: "Um, I guess back when I was a freshman at U -" I stop myself just in time from saying my actual alma mater, before remember that I have a fake resume that I'm supposed to be sticking to.
Me: "At - um, at - at [college on fake resume] - well, I had a minor accident with a car."
Ron: "Really."
Me: "Yeah. But that guy didn't have to lose his leg after all, so actually, maybe I wouldn't do it differently."
Ron: Staring pensively off into space.
Me: "Um...what would you do differently?"
Ron then launches into a really heartfelt story about how he wouldn't have stopped playing AA baseball during college. It's actually really kind of emotional. I start to feel like an ass.
Me: "Wow. Well...you can...always play baseball, now, for...like...a league here, maybe?"
Ron: "Well, anyway, as I said, we're going to make a decision pretty quickly, so - oh, I forgot to ask, how did you find out about this position?"
Me, remembering on that on my fake resume, it says I know a real person at the company: "Oh, I know [actual employee], she told me about it."
Ron: "Oh, you know [actual employee]! That's great."
Me: "Yeah. She's kind of a bitch, though."
Ron: Stunned silence.
Me: "Oh! I forgot - before I leave, could you just, um, fill out this survey for me?"
Ron, taking the paper and looking puzzled: "Survey?"
Me: "Yeah, it's - ah - my, ah, therapist, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to get feedback on my interviewing skills."
Ron: "Oh. Sure."
We walk out of the conference room, around the corner, and into the lobby where the ENTIRE COMPANY IS APPLAUDING.
Ron: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW THIS COULD NOT HAVE BEEN A REAL INTERVIEW, I KNEW IT!"
Ahhhhh. Prank: successful. And I must say, getting to say crazy things and watching the INTERVIEWER squirm for once, instead of the other way around, was the BEST FEELING EVER.
Poor guy, though. I hope he's forgiven me by now.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
In which our guest blogger deals with a heinous CEO
So, while I've been sitting here, waiting on pins and needles (or is it "sitting" on pins and needles? Or just "on" pins and needles? Hmmm...clearly, these are the kinds of pressing questions that occupy my mind) for a job offer that, unfortunately, seems increasingly unlikely to come, it occured to me that I had a bunch of terrible interview stories from my friends just sitting in my email inbox, yet to be shared with the world.
"Oooh HOORAY!" I had said when they first emailed them to me. "Excellent! I'll post these PRONTO."
And that was, oh, two months ago.
Oops.
So. Without further adieu, please welcome today's guest blogger, "Natalie."
This interview comes from my early working days. As a young college graduate with good grades and a B.A., I was perhaps naively optimistic about the interview process. I moved to D.C., took a temp job with a non-profit and began my job search. One of those early interviews was with a small, 50-person company in northern Virginia that specialized in event management. My degree was in English, so no direct career path presented itself, and I thought event planning/management/execution would be an interesting place to begin.
I arrived at 9:00 AM for what I thought would be a standard first-round interview. First, I met with the HR Manager. She was very nice, very friendly, and very positive about my resume. By the end, she was telling me about the general work hours, the monthly happy hours, etc. I took this as a good sign.
Then she asked me if I’d be interested in meeting with a few other members of their team. Obviously I said “yes.”
The next person I met with was in the media-generation department. He asked me if I had an experience with PhotoShop and I admitted that aside from some minor exploration in my student newspaper days, I hadn’t. But, I was pretty seriously into Art back in high school and when he asked me if I’d be interested in learning PhotoShop, I practically salivated at the chance. Paid to play with a several-hundred dollar picture program? I was so there!
Next I met with a woman who was involved with direct planning. I should mention that by this time, it’s 11:30 AM and I’d been interviewing for 2.5 hours. But, everything seemed to be going well.
My three interviewers consulted – I could see them, nudging each other and whispering while I waited in the next room – and then they asked me if I’d have time to meet with their CEO. Their CEO, they said, would really like to meet me.
By this point it was after noon and I was hungry because I (to this day) prefer to eat at something like 11:00 AM but again, what could I say but “yes.”
[Note from [K]: As someone who has eaten many meals with "Natalie," I can assure you that this early lunchtime eating thing is very true. Also, "Natalie" is the only person with whom I can go to a restaurant, order sides of mac'n'cheese and mashed potatoes, and legitmately call it "dinner," because she orders the same thing. Anyway.]
Besides, at the time I was thinking that meeting the CEO was most definitely a good sign and, with any luck, I’d have an offer by the end of the day.
If I only knew.
One thing I should mention - in all of the abovementioned questions I was asked one question again and again. Everyone wanted to know if my current boss – my temp job boss – was a micromanager. They asked the question in different ways, and each time I wrote it off. I thought I knew what they were really asking: Are you capable of independent work? Are you trustworthy? Do you have initiative? How’s your work ethic?
So I answered enthusiastically again and again that even though my temp job was temporary and my boss liked me to check in, I was given assignments and expected to carry them out independently . And I threw in examples from my summer internships, my college activities. I thought I was nailing it.
Little did I know what they were really asking: how will you handle a psychotic micromanager?
Not well, as it turns out. But moving along.
I was ushered into the CEO’s office. He was a youngish man, maybe 40, and a UVA alum, which I figured gave me an instant “in.” It didn’t.
For one long moment he looked at my resume, then at me. “Law school,” he said.
Law school?
“Your resume. It has law school written all over it.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this. I wasn’t actually considering law school, but maybe if my resume was screaming “J.D. J.D.,” I should reconsider?
Then he said, “If I hire you, I’m going to have you sign a 2-year commitment with me. How do you feel about that?”
His tone added a so-there kind of feel. By this point I was sputtering…“Well…I guess…?”
Then he launched into a line by line examination – read: criticism – of my resume and everything that was wrong with. Which was apparently everything. He grills me on my temp job, pointing out how pathetic it is that I don’t have health benefits and what am I doing for long-term savings and I was thinking to myself "dude, this is why I’m interviewing for a real job, duh," but he was basically calling me an idiot to my face and I had ZERO experience with that.
And then he told me how he “takes a personal interest in the day-to-day routines of his employees,” and I began to picture my day: arriving at 8:30, check in with the boss; work work work, boss over my shoulder; lunch break, boss not pleased; bathroom break, ask boss permission first.
It was not a pretty picture.
By the end of my interview it was nearly 1:00 PM and he’d Xed out the majority of my resume, written negative comments all over it, drawn me a chart on the back diagramming his imagined version of the state of my finances, and I was doing my best to hold back tears. Then he told me he was “just trying to help out another Wahoo,” and he “hoped I’d take this as a lesson.”
Of course, now I know it is completely inappropriate for an interviewer – even a CEO – to treat a perspective hiree in such a manner, but at the time I was too young and too shell-shocked to tell him what I really thought of him. Instead, I left in a rush, barely speaking to the friendly HR manager and not looking anyone in the eye. And even though I still believe that everyone else in that office really liked me, that I could’ve been an asset to their team, I can’t say I’m sorry I didn’t get the job.
But, for the record, I never went to law school either.
"Oooh HOORAY!" I had said when they first emailed them to me. "Excellent! I'll post these PRONTO."
And that was, oh, two months ago.
Oops.
So. Without further adieu, please welcome today's guest blogger, "Natalie."
This interview comes from my early working days. As a young college graduate with good grades and a B.A., I was perhaps naively optimistic about the interview process. I moved to D.C., took a temp job with a non-profit and began my job search. One of those early interviews was with a small, 50-person company in northern Virginia that specialized in event management. My degree was in English, so no direct career path presented itself, and I thought event planning/management/execution would be an interesting place to begin.
I arrived at 9:00 AM for what I thought would be a standard first-round interview. First, I met with the HR Manager. She was very nice, very friendly, and very positive about my resume. By the end, she was telling me about the general work hours, the monthly happy hours, etc. I took this as a good sign.
Then she asked me if I’d be interested in meeting with a few other members of their team. Obviously I said “yes.”
The next person I met with was in the media-generation department. He asked me if I had an experience with PhotoShop and I admitted that aside from some minor exploration in my student newspaper days, I hadn’t. But, I was pretty seriously into Art back in high school and when he asked me if I’d be interested in learning PhotoShop, I practically salivated at the chance. Paid to play with a several-hundred dollar picture program? I was so there!
Next I met with a woman who was involved with direct planning. I should mention that by this time, it’s 11:30 AM and I’d been interviewing for 2.5 hours. But, everything seemed to be going well.
My three interviewers consulted – I could see them, nudging each other and whispering while I waited in the next room – and then they asked me if I’d have time to meet with their CEO. Their CEO, they said, would really like to meet me.
By this point it was after noon and I was hungry because I (to this day) prefer to eat at something like 11:00 AM but again, what could I say but “yes.”
[Note from [K]: As someone who has eaten many meals with "Natalie," I can assure you that this early lunchtime eating thing is very true. Also, "Natalie" is the only person with whom I can go to a restaurant, order sides of mac'n'cheese and mashed potatoes, and legitmately call it "dinner," because she orders the same thing. Anyway.]
Besides, at the time I was thinking that meeting the CEO was most definitely a good sign and, with any luck, I’d have an offer by the end of the day.
If I only knew.
One thing I should mention - in all of the abovementioned questions I was asked one question again and again. Everyone wanted to know if my current boss – my temp job boss – was a micromanager. They asked the question in different ways, and each time I wrote it off. I thought I knew what they were really asking: Are you capable of independent work? Are you trustworthy? Do you have initiative? How’s your work ethic?
So I answered enthusiastically again and again that even though my temp job was temporary and my boss liked me to check in, I was given assignments and expected to carry them out independently . And I threw in examples from my summer internships, my college activities. I thought I was nailing it.
Little did I know what they were really asking: how will you handle a psychotic micromanager?
Not well, as it turns out. But moving along.
I was ushered into the CEO’s office. He was a youngish man, maybe 40, and a UVA alum, which I figured gave me an instant “in.” It didn’t.
For one long moment he looked at my resume, then at me. “Law school,” he said.
Law school?
“Your resume. It has law school written all over it.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this. I wasn’t actually considering law school, but maybe if my resume was screaming “J.D. J.D.,” I should reconsider?
Then he said, “If I hire you, I’m going to have you sign a 2-year commitment with me. How do you feel about that?”
His tone added a so-there kind of feel. By this point I was sputtering…“Well…I guess…?”
Then he launched into a line by line examination – read: criticism – of my resume and everything that was wrong with. Which was apparently everything. He grills me on my temp job, pointing out how pathetic it is that I don’t have health benefits and what am I doing for long-term savings and I was thinking to myself "dude, this is why I’m interviewing for a real job, duh," but he was basically calling me an idiot to my face and I had ZERO experience with that.
And then he told me how he “takes a personal interest in the day-to-day routines of his employees,” and I began to picture my day: arriving at 8:30, check in with the boss; work work work, boss over my shoulder; lunch break, boss not pleased; bathroom break, ask boss permission first.
It was not a pretty picture.
By the end of my interview it was nearly 1:00 PM and he’d Xed out the majority of my resume, written negative comments all over it, drawn me a chart on the back diagramming his imagined version of the state of my finances, and I was doing my best to hold back tears. Then he told me he was “just trying to help out another Wahoo,” and he “hoped I’d take this as a lesson.”
Of course, now I know it is completely inappropriate for an interviewer – even a CEO – to treat a perspective hiree in such a manner, but at the time I was too young and too shell-shocked to tell him what I really thought of him. Instead, I left in a rush, barely speaking to the friendly HR manager and not looking anyone in the eye. And even though I still believe that everyone else in that office really liked me, that I could’ve been an asset to their team, I can’t say I’m sorry I didn’t get the job.
But, for the record, I never went to law school either.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
In which I am on pins and needles
Well, I just had another interview for a job that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY REALLY want. A MILLION TIMES WANT. As for the interview itself...well, it could be looked at either way. There was a lot of laughing. I'm just, ah, not totally sure if my interviewers were laughing WITH me or AT me.
Anyway, if I don't get this job, I'm sure I'll convince myself that the whole interview was "terrible" and post the full story here - after I curl into a ball on the floor, sobbing and trying to stave off panic attacks about my life, that is.
If I DO get this job - well, it will be a freaking miracle.
For now, I'll leave you with a little teaser from the interview - a preview, if you will.
[Interviewer]: "What do you look for in a workplace?"
Me: "Well, most of my experience has been in a very collaborative environment. So I really enjoy working with coworkers, together, as part of a team. You know, instead of sitting by myself in a cubicle!" HAR HAR awkward laugh!
[Interviewer]: "Hmm."
Me: "Erm...yes?"
[Interviewer]: "You do realize that for the majority of this job, you would be isolated from the rest of the group, don't you? So...you'll actually be sitting by yourself. In...a cubicle-like situation."
Me: "Oh."
[Interviewer]: "Yeah."
Me, clearing throat: "Hrrrrrpm. Uh, well, I was...just kidding. That's...working alone is...also very enjoyable."
Oh God.
So as you can imagine, I'm on pins and needles, waiting to hear something. Tick tock, tick tock.
Anyway, if I don't get this job, I'm sure I'll convince myself that the whole interview was "terrible" and post the full story here - after I curl into a ball on the floor, sobbing and trying to stave off panic attacks about my life, that is.
If I DO get this job - well, it will be a freaking miracle.
For now, I'll leave you with a little teaser from the interview - a preview, if you will.
[Interviewer]: "What do you look for in a workplace?"
Me: "Well, most of my experience has been in a very collaborative environment. So I really enjoy working with coworkers, together, as part of a team. You know, instead of sitting by myself in a cubicle!" HAR HAR awkward laugh!
[Interviewer]: "Hmm."
Me: "Erm...yes?"
[Interviewer]: "You do realize that for the majority of this job, you would be isolated from the rest of the group, don't you? So...you'll actually be sitting by yourself. In...a cubicle-like situation."
Me: "Oh."
[Interviewer]: "Yeah."
Me, clearing throat: "Hrrrrrpm. Uh, well, I was...just kidding. That's...working alone is...also very enjoyable."
Oh God.
So as you can imagine, I'm on pins and needles, waiting to hear something. Tick tock, tick tock.
Monday, January 4, 2010
In which I discuss vegetables
HAPPY NEW YEAR, INTERNETS! I can't say that I was sorry to say goodbye to 2009. I'm pretty sure 2009 was only good for Taylor Swift and James Cameron. So sayonara, 2009. S - ah - erm...hello, 2010. (Must go with the American "hello," as Wikipedia tells me that there are over 100 ways to say "hello" in Japanese, something that was not covered in my primary Japanese master class, the 1989 classic "Big Bird in Japan." Best. TV. Movie. Ever.)
Anyway. I'm going to celebrate the promises of 2010 by kicking off with - a brand-new terrible interview story! Hooray!
Brrrrrriiiiing.
Me: "Hello?"
Assistant: "[K]? This is [assistant], I work for [congressman from faraway state]. I'm calling about the press secretary position."
Me: "Erm...the...press secretary position? Oh - oh, of course!"
(I'm getting good at handling the job-I-didn't-apply-for-or-know-anything-about-but-someone-must-have-passed-my-resume-on-without-telling-me-so-hooray phone calls.)
[Assistant]: "Yes, the press secretary position. Can you come in on Friday to meet with us?"
Me: "Yes, of course! Thank you."
An interview! Huzzah. Of course, I've never been to [faraway state] and know, erm, nothing about it, but I can learn! Must research!
So, I come to the interview armed with lots and lots of research. Who cares if I'm not from [faraway state]? I can still do this!
I arrive at the appointed conference room...and no one is there. Naturally.
I wait.
15 minutes later...
[Political guy, who I at first thought was the chief of staff but turned out to be some kind of political operative with a vaguely defined title]: "Hello! Let's get started!"
Me: "Ok, great!"
[Political guy]: "I'm just going to get [other political guy] on the phone; he's in the district right now, but he wants to call in."
Me: "Sounds great."
[Political guy]: Attempts to dial out on phone in conference room. There are several odd beeping noises.
[Political guy]: "Har har, this phone is always tricky! I'll get it to work this time."
15 minutes later...
[Political guy]: "You know what why don't we just go up and do this in my office."
Me: "Sure no problem."
So. I'm now sitting across from [political guy] and talking to [other political guy] on speaker phone.
[Political guy]: "So, what would be your main strategy for increasing awareness of the congressman's agenda?"
Me: Blah blah press coverage blah blah social media blah blah constituents blah.
[Other political guy]: "What do you think are the main problems issues facing the party?"
Me: Blah blah minority party blah blah lack of clear leadership blah new agenda blah.
[Political guy]: "What do you think about the healthcare debate?"
Me: Blah blah want to bleach my eyeballs blah.
[Other political guy]: "What do you know about the state and constituent issues?"
Me: Enthusiastically discuss my extensive research of state issues and suggestions for press coverage thereof.
[Political guy]: "Have you ever actually been to [faraway state]?"
Me: "Well...erm, no. But, I do know quite a bit about state issues, especially energy issues, as I did a lot of work with the state in my last job."
[Other political guy]: "But you've never...actually been there."
Me: "Er - no, not...not in, um, person." What? "I mean, I have not actually traveled there, myself."
[Political guy]: "Right."
Me: "Well, you know, I grew up on the other side of the country, on the East Coast, so, you know, there was...there wasn't really an opportunity..."
Silence from political guys.
Me, clearing throat: "Hrrrrrrrmmm. Erm. Um, actually, funny story, one of my friends from grad school, he lived in [city in faraway state] for a few years, and I remember that while we were in grad school, he actually had a crate of [famous vegetable grown in state] delivered to the newsroom where we were working. So I've actually eaten [famous vegetable grown in state]. Har! Funny, right?"
[Political guy]: "Oh. Right. Well, that's...something."
[Other political guy]: Noncommittal noise over speaker phone.
Me: Swallowing nervously.
[Political guy]: "OK. I'm going to ask you to write a few things for us. A speech, a press release, an op-ed, and some editing. You'll have until next week to turn it back in to me. Does that sound ok?"
Me: "Yes! That sounds great."
[Political guy]: "Alright. Here's the packet; good luck."
Me: "Thank you! Thank you very much!"
I enthusiastically get to work on said interview homework, which turns out to be very extensive and takes many hours, but I work hard! Do lots of research! I've aced it! I know it!
And, of course....I never heard from them again. Not even an "oh hey, thanks for doing all of this work, but we've decided to go with someone else." Just...silence.
Naturally.
Anyway. I'm going to celebrate the promises of 2010 by kicking off with - a brand-new terrible interview story! Hooray!
Brrrrrriiiiing.
Me: "Hello?"
Assistant: "[K]? This is [assistant], I work for [congressman from faraway state]. I'm calling about the press secretary position."
Me: "Erm...the...press secretary position? Oh - oh, of course!"
(I'm getting good at handling the job-I-didn't-apply-for-or-know-anything-about-but-someone-must-have-passed-my-resume-on-without-telling-me-so-hooray phone calls.)
[Assistant]: "Yes, the press secretary position. Can you come in on Friday to meet with us?"
Me: "Yes, of course! Thank you."
An interview! Huzzah. Of course, I've never been to [faraway state] and know, erm, nothing about it, but I can learn! Must research!
So, I come to the interview armed with lots and lots of research. Who cares if I'm not from [faraway state]? I can still do this!
I arrive at the appointed conference room...and no one is there. Naturally.
I wait.
15 minutes later...
[Political guy, who I at first thought was the chief of staff but turned out to be some kind of political operative with a vaguely defined title]: "Hello! Let's get started!"
Me: "Ok, great!"
[Political guy]: "I'm just going to get [other political guy] on the phone; he's in the district right now, but he wants to call in."
Me: "Sounds great."
[Political guy]: Attempts to dial out on phone in conference room. There are several odd beeping noises.
[Political guy]: "Har har, this phone is always tricky! I'll get it to work this time."
15 minutes later...
[Political guy]: "You know what why don't we just go up and do this in my office."
Me: "Sure no problem."
So. I'm now sitting across from [political guy] and talking to [other political guy] on speaker phone.
[Political guy]: "So, what would be your main strategy for increasing awareness of the congressman's agenda?"
Me: Blah blah press coverage blah blah social media blah blah constituents blah.
[Other political guy]: "What do you think are the main problems issues facing the party?"
Me: Blah blah minority party blah blah lack of clear leadership blah new agenda blah.
[Political guy]: "What do you think about the healthcare debate?"
Me: Blah blah want to bleach my eyeballs blah.
[Other political guy]: "What do you know about the state and constituent issues?"
Me: Enthusiastically discuss my extensive research of state issues and suggestions for press coverage thereof.
[Political guy]: "Have you ever actually been to [faraway state]?"
Me: "Well...erm, no. But, I do know quite a bit about state issues, especially energy issues, as I did a lot of work with the state in my last job."
[Other political guy]: "But you've never...actually been there."
Me: "Er - no, not...not in, um, person." What? "I mean, I have not actually traveled there, myself."
[Political guy]: "Right."
Me: "Well, you know, I grew up on the other side of the country, on the East Coast, so, you know, there was...there wasn't really an opportunity..."
Silence from political guys.
Me, clearing throat: "Hrrrrrrrmmm. Erm. Um, actually, funny story, one of my friends from grad school, he lived in [city in faraway state] for a few years, and I remember that while we were in grad school, he actually had a crate of [famous vegetable grown in state] delivered to the newsroom where we were working. So I've actually eaten [famous vegetable grown in state]. Har! Funny, right?"
[Political guy]: "Oh. Right. Well, that's...something."
[Other political guy]: Noncommittal noise over speaker phone.
Me: Swallowing nervously.
[Political guy]: "OK. I'm going to ask you to write a few things for us. A speech, a press release, an op-ed, and some editing. You'll have until next week to turn it back in to me. Does that sound ok?"
Me: "Yes! That sounds great."
[Political guy]: "Alright. Here's the packet; good luck."
Me: "Thank you! Thank you very much!"
I enthusiastically get to work on said interview homework, which turns out to be very extensive and takes many hours, but I work hard! Do lots of research! I've aced it! I know it!
And, of course....I never heard from them again. Not even an "oh hey, thanks for doing all of this work, but we've decided to go with someone else." Just...silence.
Naturally.
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