Saturday, May 15, 2010

In which we come back from hiatus

Goooooood morning internets!

Long time no post, no?

I know, I know - I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats these past two months, wondering where the updates were. "WHERE COULD SHE BEEEEEEEEEEEE?" you've screeched to yourselves, hunched over your laptops, tears streaming down your faces.

What's that? Oh - you, ah, didn't really notice? Oh. Erm...well...that's cool, too.

The truth is, I have sort of scored myself a job, of sorts. A "freelance" job at a news organization that I used to work for a long time ago. I am a "freelancer." I "freelance."

The bad news is, I don't have things like "health insurance" or "guaranteed hours" or the "ability to expense a cab when I have to be at work at 4 am and there is no public transportation available at that time because this is DC and everything shuts down at midnight with the exception of the bus system which I would prefer not to be taking at 4 a.m. by myself and I'm sorry if that makes me a pretentious white person but let's face it people get murdered on the bus here in the wee hours" and other such useful, important things that usually come with jobs.

The good news is, I HAVE SOMETHING THAT RESEMBLES AN ACTUAL JOB. And I have been getting enough work that it's completely cut all blogging time out of my life for the past two months. Gah!

Now, here is the problem - because of this crazy "working" thing I've been doing, I haven't had any job interviews in the last two months - terrible or otherwise. No job interviews! NONE! WHAT to blog about?!

Well, I don't know. But I'm sure I'll come up with something terrible-interview-related. SURELY I'll have another terrible interview soon. And I'm pretty sure I've had a few that have been so terrible, I completely blocked them from memory, in which case...I will face the pain in order to hilariously write about them.

Anyway - STAY TUNED.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

In which Terrible Interviews is famous!

We've been mentioned in a column! Read all about it here.

Friday, March 12, 2010

In which I have a red skull on my hand

So. Today I went on my first interview since the Great Potential Job Disaster of 2010 - of which we no longer speak. Anyway, this job was to be a press secretary for a certain U.S. senator. I studied studied studied and prepped prepped prepped for said interview, as I am not from the senator's state and have only actually been in the state one time, ever.

However, last night I made the mistake of going to a concert. That, in itself, was not so much of a mistake - except that I went with this guy who I thought originally was nice, but who turned out to be the kind of guy that wolf-whistles for cabs instead of sticking his hand up like a normal person, and then stands on the sidewalk and shouts for the cab to stop and pick him up (again, instead of JUST RAISING HIS HAND like EVERYONE ELSE DOES), and then, once in the cab, yells at the cab driver for driving without his cab light on. And also, the kind of guy who talks for 3.5 hours about himself and asks me approximately 2 questions, one of which was, "what, are you serious?" after I told the cab driver that we'd be making two - separate - stops at the end of the night.

Anyway. I say all of this because in going to the concert, I had to get my hand stamped - something I didn't think twice about until this morning, when I realized that there was an outline of a large, inky, red skull on the back of my right hand and there was no way it was coming off in time for the interview.

I scrubbed - and I mean SCRUBBED - my hand until I felt like I was going to scrub my skin right off, and STILL the red skull remained. Somewhat lighter than it was, but still - I HAD A RED SKULL ON MY HAND. Arrrrrrrrrgh.

"Ok," I thought. "No problem. I'll just...not let anyone see my right hand."

I decided the best way to accomplish this was to either sit on my hand during the interview, or gesture with it so quickly that it would be impossible to detect a red skull flashing around.

Yes. Perfect plan, no?

So, I show up at the senate building and proceed through security.

Security guard: "Excuse me, miss, but it looks like you have something on your - "

Me: "No I don't! No! It's nothing! It's just - I mean, I just went to this concert last night, and they had to stamp my hand, but you can hardly notice it, it's - "

Security guard: "On your - backside."

Me: "I - what?"

Security guard: "I'm sorry, it's just - you might want to stop in the ladies' room, it looks like you have some kind of a mark on your - um, backside. Like you might have accidentally sat on something, or.."

Me: [craning my neck around to look at my, erm, "backside" and spotting some kind of smudge] "Oh! Oh gosh, thank you, I - yes, I'll make sure to stop and, um, take care of that."

Security guard: "No problem. I would just brush it off myself, but, ah, well, that's a part of a lady that I'm not allowed to touch without getting fired."

Me: "Ah." Awkward pause. "Erm. Yes. Thank you."

So, I stop at the ladies' room, get rid of all awkward smudges, lament the fact that my hair, which was neat and straight upon leaving my house, is now a straggly mess after 5 minutes in the rain, and proceed to the interview, determined to keep the giant red hand skull out of sight.

Then it turned out that the woman with whom I was interviewing turned out to be super relaxed, super fun, and about my age, and didn't bat an eye at the red skull. Hooray!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In which I start over

Good evening, fellow internets.

So, we've had a setback here at Terrible Interviews - and by "setback," I mean that I did not get a job that I really, really wanted and really, really thought I was going to get. I know what you're thinking - doesn't that sort of thing happen, you know, ALL THE TIME? Isn't that, ah, the whole POINT of this blog?

Ah, well, yes. And you'd think after so many, you know, terrible interviews, that I would be used to this, but this time it CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. For whatever reason, I kind of thought the whole thing was going to work out this time. To borrow from Bridget Jones (the book, not the movie - although I do like the movie, I highly recommend the book because OMG HILARIOUS) - it's like when you're walking alone at night and you kind of think someone's following you, but you know they're not really. And you kind of have a vague feeling that something bad MIGHT happen, but you don't really. But then they go and grab you around the neck and all of a sudden you didn't get the job.

Oh, Bridget. We understand each other so well, I think.

ANYWAY - what this DOES mean is that the TERRIBLE INTERVIEW STORIES WILL CONTINUE. Oh, yes. They will continue. Watch out, internets, because WE ARE BACK.

Friday, February 26, 2010

In which I stick my hand in a jar of acid

Because I did not get the job.

Length of interview process for this particular job: 4 months

Number of initial applicants: 350

Number of finalists at the end: 4

Number of interviews I went on: 3

Number of times I was "unofficially" told I had this job "in the bag": 3

Number of days left hanging after final interview: 5

Method of rejection: email form letter.

I think, perhaps, this one goes beyond a "terrible" interview experience and lands squarely in the category of "devastating." I say that because I don't even have the heart to face-push anyone. Siiiiiiiiiigh.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

In which I am STILL waiting

Great Potential Job Offer Watch, Day Four.

Job offers: 0

Calls from job interviewer: 0

Number of times I have checked my phone for any missed calls: 947

Level of anxiety, on a scale of 1 to 10: 45,000

Amount of sea-salted kettle-cooked potato chips consumed in midst of anxiety: 1 bag.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

In which I am still on pins and needles

We are now on Day Three of the Great Potential Job Offer Watch. In case you're just joining us, I thought I was going to hear about a super awesome job opportunity on Monday. And now it is Wednesday. And I have heard nothing.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock.

If this job has been offered to someone else, and they're taking THREE DAYS to decide whether or not they want to accept it, while the rest of us wait in anguish and would IMMEDIATELY LEAP at this job - rest assured that I will FIND that person and facepush them. And if you don't know what a facepush is, trust me - you don't want to be on the receiving end.