In which I do not make eye contact

A good percentage of my interviews have been with public relations firms.

Now, here's the thing about PR firms. They are, in my experience, basically havens for smart people who want to make money but didn't want to be lawyers and aren't good at math.

So in the big firms, it's sort of, ah, a corporate environment. Which means that some people are super nice and some people are...not.

Just setting the stage.

I don't know HOW this one firm got my resume, but I got a call a few months ago asking if I could come in for an interview. "Hooray!" said I.

So I headed over and met some very nice people and had quite a nice chat, and they were all "great well we're moving slowly but we'd love to have you come back and meet the CEO" and I was all "sweet Mother Theresa that sounds great" and all was fine.

A few weeks later I get a call from the CEO's secretary asking me to come in.

THe CEO! Of a big fancy firm! I flew around getting ready, trying to look "professional" and "polished" and "not like a 12-year-old playing dress-up in my mom's suit" and hurried off.

I get to the waiting room and tell the receptionist my name and sit down to wait. Must look professional, he could walk in any second. Ooh, look, pretty flowers! Argh OK focus.

So I wait. And wait. Aaaaaand wait. Then the receptionist comes back and we chat about the weather. And her husband. And how hard it is to find a job right now (yeah I'm aware, thanks).

"Oh he's just wrapping up a meeting," the receptionist says. "He'll be RIGHT out."

"Great," I say. Hmm. I guess I'll read this "industry" magazine here and pretend to look fascinated.

Approximately 45 minutes later...

"Hey...[K]?" says the receptionist.

"Yes?"

"We're going to have to ask you to come back on a different day. He's VERY busy, you see."

"Oh...sure." Pfffffffffffff says my balloon of excitment that has just been deflated.

So. I come back two weeks later and wait in the same waiting room with the same industry magazine for another 45 minutes before the CEO saunters by.

"[K]?"

"Yes sir! It's very nice to- "

"Listen, we've got a deadline right now, so I've got a lot to focus on. You understand. Let's get started." He's already walking away. Do I follow? I guess so.

We sit down in his office and he immediately turns to his computer and starts typing.

Type type type type.

I sit awkwardly.

Type type type.

I look at pictures of his kids on his bookshelf.

Type type type type.

I blow a strand of hair out of my eyes.

Type type type type type type type type type.

Am I supposed to be talking? Hmm. I continue to sit.

"Now," he says.

I snap to attention.

"Tell me about energy."

Ugh. That was one of my former jobs, doing press in the energy sector. I mean, yay energy, but I can tell where this is going. Al Gore makes a powerpoint slide show and suddenly everyone's an energy expert.

Me: "Well, my job covered a range of topics- "

CEO: "Explain environmental management to me."

Um, yikes. I pause to collect my thoughts.

Me: "Well, it can be a bit complicated to explain, but essentially, environmental management is cleaning up waste from old nuclear production sites, that- "

CEO: "Tell me why that's interesting."

Me: "Sor- sorry?"

CEO: "Pitch me. I'm the media. Pitch me. Now."

Good gravy this man is INTENSE.

Me: "Well, a completed site is actually an interesting environment story. For example, one of the sites out West is actually now a big park. This is a place that just a few years ago was covered in nuclear waste. You couldn't go within miles of it. And now you can go walk your dog and play frisbee there. It's pretty cool, when you think about the transformation- "

CEO: "OK can I stop you right there?"

Me: "Uh..sure."

CEO: "OK yeah everything you're saying is great. I mean everything that you are actually saying is great."

Me: "Er...thanks."

CEO: "But I don't know what is so fascinating in my office that's making you look around while you talk."

Me: "Erm. Pardon me?"

CEO: "You talk and then you look around, and then you talk and then you look around some more. I don't know what you're looking at. My office is not that interesting."

Me: "I...I didn't mean- "

CEO: "I wouldn't put you in a room with a client if that's how you act."

Me: Stunned silence.

CEO: "Excuse me." He picks up his phone and makes a call about advertising rates.

Meanwhile, I am mortified. Do I really not make eye contact? I THOUGHT I made eye contact. But sometimes when I'm thinking about something complicated I look down or away while I think - right? But doesn't everyone do that? HAVE I BEEN GOING THROUGH LIFE NOT LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYE? WHAT KIND OF A FREAK HAVE -

CEO: "OK."

Me: "Uh, yes." He has finished his extremely important phone call, apparently.

CEO: "We'll be in touch."

Me: "Erm."

CEO: "I can't walk you out. Mark can, he's right outside." Turns back to his computer.

Me: "Erm...ok, great. Thank - thank you."

End.

Actually not really the end - I did meet with one other guy after that who was super nice, although he was probably a little scared because I was STARING AT HIM INTENSELY in the hopes of MAKING EYE CONTACT AT ALL TIMES and I think I freaked him out.

And...I did not get that job. No. No I did not.