In which I discuss vegetables

HAPPY NEW YEAR, INTERNETS! I can't say that I was sorry to say goodbye to 2009. I'm pretty sure 2009 was only good for Taylor Swift and James Cameron. So sayonara, 2009. S - ah - erm...hello, 2010. (Must go with the American "hello," as Wikipedia tells me that there are over 100 ways to say "hello" in Japanese, something that was not covered in my primary Japanese master class, the 1989 classic "Big Bird in Japan." Best. TV. Movie. Ever.)

Anyway. I'm going to celebrate the promises of 2010 by kicking off with - a brand-new terrible interview story! Hooray!

Brrrrrriiiiing.

Me: "Hello?"

Assistant: "[K]? This is [assistant], I work for [congressman from faraway state]. I'm calling about the press secretary position."

Me: "Erm...the...press secretary position? Oh - oh, of course!"

(I'm getting good at handling the job-I-didn't-apply-for-or-know-anything-about-but-someone-must-have-passed-my-resume-on-without-telling-me-so-hooray phone calls.)

[Assistant]: "Yes, the press secretary position. Can you come in on Friday to meet with us?"

Me: "Yes, of course! Thank you."

An interview! Huzzah. Of course, I've never been to [faraway state] and know, erm, nothing about it, but I can learn! Must research!

So, I come to the interview armed with lots and lots of research. Who cares if I'm not from [faraway state]? I can still do this!

I arrive at the appointed conference room...and no one is there. Naturally.

I wait.

15 minutes later...

[Political guy, who I at first thought was the chief of staff but turned out to be some kind of political operative with a vaguely defined title]: "Hello! Let's get started!"

Me: "Ok, great!"

[Political guy]: "I'm just going to get [other political guy] on the phone; he's in the district right now, but he wants to call in."

Me: "Sounds great."

[Political guy]: Attempts to dial out on phone in conference room. There are several odd beeping noises.

[Political guy]: "Har har, this phone is always tricky! I'll get it to work this time."

15 minutes later...

[Political guy]: "You know what why don't we just go up and do this in my office."

Me: "Sure no problem."

So. I'm now sitting across from [political guy] and talking to [other political guy] on speaker phone.

[Political guy]: "So, what would be your main strategy for increasing awareness of the congressman's agenda?"

Me: Blah blah press coverage blah blah social media blah blah constituents blah.

[Other political guy]: "What do you think are the main problems issues facing the party?"

Me: Blah blah minority party blah blah lack of clear leadership blah new agenda blah.

[Political guy]: "What do you think about the healthcare debate?"

Me: Blah blah want to bleach my eyeballs blah.

[Other political guy]: "What do you know about the state and constituent issues?"

Me: Enthusiastically discuss my extensive research of state issues and suggestions for press coverage thereof.

[Political guy]: "Have you ever actually been to [faraway state]?"

Me: "Well...erm, no. But, I do know quite a bit about state issues, especially energy issues, as I did a lot of work with the state in my last job."

[Other political guy]: "But you've never...actually been there."

Me: "Er - no, not...not in, um, person." What? "I mean, I have not actually traveled there, myself."

[Political guy]: "Right."

Me: "Well, you know, I grew up on the other side of the country, on the East Coast, so, you know, there was...there wasn't really an opportunity..."

Silence from political guys.

Me, clearing throat: "Hrrrrrrrmmm. Erm. Um, actually, funny story, one of my friends from grad school, he lived in [city in faraway state] for a few years, and I remember that while we were in grad school, he actually had a crate of [famous vegetable grown in state] delivered to the newsroom where we were working. So I've actually eaten [famous vegetable grown in state]. Har! Funny, right?"

[Political guy]: "Oh. Right. Well, that's...something."

[Other political guy]: Noncommittal noise over speaker phone.

Me: Swallowing nervously.

[Political guy]: "OK. I'm going to ask you to write a few things for us. A speech, a press release, an op-ed, and some editing. You'll have until next week to turn it back in to me. Does that sound ok?"

Me: "Yes! That sounds great."

[Political guy]: "Alright. Here's the packet; good luck."

Me: "Thank you! Thank you very much!"

I enthusiastically get to work on said interview homework, which turns out to be very extensive and takes many hours, but I work hard! Do lots of research! I've aced it! I know it!

And, of course....I never heard from them again. Not even an "oh hey, thanks for doing all of this work, but we've decided to go with someone else." Just...silence.

Naturally.