In which I apparently read the wrong websites

Also somewhat early on in my job search, I had applied for a job in the programming department of a majorly awesome cable network. One of my favorites. And then I actually GOT A CALL FROM THEM ABOUT IT. Now, I must tell you, this never, ever happens to me ever. I am constantly sending my resume to every television network along with about 8000 other people a day, so naturally I never expect it to actually lead to anything. So when I got a REAL call from a REAL person at the network asking if I was available for a REAL phone interview, I was super, super excited.

"So you'll be interviewing with [X] - he's the head of program development and you'd basically be his right-hand person," the HR lady said. "I'll have him call you at 2:00 tomorrow."

"Great! Great! I'm really looking forward to it! Ok! Good! Excellent! Thank you!" It's probably a good thing she hung up at this point because I was on my way to offering her my first-born child.

Omgomgomgomg. Must start researching! By the end of the night I knew the entire history of the network and every single show and all of their programming decisions and all of the talent and how they were weathering the economy and [X]'s entire life history, including the mascot of his high school. But I wasn't going to mention that! Haa I'm not a psycho! How...haaa...how silly! Haa!

Anyway, my phone rings at precisely 2:00 p.m. the next day and I have had 3 cups of coffee so I am READY. WHEE!

"Hi, [K]? This is [X]. Great to speak with you. You know, I used to work with a [K] at another network. That's funny, you both have the exact same name."

"HAHAHAHAHA! OH WOW, THAT IS A HILARIOUS COINCIDENCE! HAHAHA!" Oh good gravy I need to calm down.

Which I did, and the first half of the interview was totally fine. Blah blah production experience, blah blah media experience, blah blah hardworking detail-oriented blah television yay.

[X]: "Great. Now, what do you watch on television?"

[K]: "Haha, well, of course I watch [major cable network], haha!"

[X]: Silence.

[K]: "Erm...yes, and besides all of those fine quality shows, let's see, I watch LOST, The Office, 30 Rock, Project Runway. Those are probably my favorites. I also watch the news a lot, as I really like to keep up with everything that's happening, especially in politics."

[X]: "The news...I see."

[K]: "Uh...well, you know, because I worked in news, so...it's hard to...to break the habit, haha!"

[X]: Silence.

[K]: Quietly panicking.

[X]: "Now, what are your main websites? Where do you go every day to find out what's happening?"

[K]: "Oh! Well, MSNBC is my home page. I think it's really one of the best news websites. And I check the Drudge Report for breaking news. I generally read the New York Times online and most of the Washington Post online, depending on time. There are so many others, but those are kind of my mainstays."

[X]: "Hmm."

[K]: "Ye...yes?"

[X]: "You don't read Perez Hilton?"

NOTE: I read Perez Hilton EVERY DAY. 5000 TIMES A DAY. Along with People, Gawker, TMZ, the Daily Mail, DListed (thank you S!) and every single other gossip website that everyone reads but generally does not mention DURING A JOB INTERVIEW.

[K]: "Oh gosh, wow, well yes, I do - I...ha...I just didn't think I was supposed to mention that during an interview, ha, and- "

[X]: "Because I read Perez all day. I check him every 10-15 minutes, really."

[K]: "Me too! I mean, I do as well! I- "

[X]: "I find the internet very inspiring. The creativity really helps inspire me, and that's what I'm looking for in this department. I get really inspired by album cover art too. Really. Some of it is just genius."

[K]: "I...I know! There's so much creativity out there, you- "

[X]: "Perez is great."

[K]: "He IS great! He sometimes links to Wonkette, which is another favorite of mine. I also like TMZ a lot, they've always got the funniest stories."

[X]: Silence.

[K]: Nervous silence.

[X]: "TMZ is a little trashy, [K]."

[K]: "Erm." What?

[X]: "What I really need here in this department is someone who really knows what's out there, you know? Someone who is really aware of what's happening in the world, not just in the...'news'."

[K]: "I...yes, I completely agree, I- "

[X]: "We'll be in touch. Thanks."

Dial tone.

Well, in a panic and convinced that I had blown this interview - although unclear as to how, exactly - I tried to email [X] a lovely thank you. When I called the HR lady to ask for his email, she was all, "oh, you can just send it to me. I'll make sure he sees it. Mmm-hmm ok great thanks bye."

Needless to say...I never heard from them again.

In conclusion, here is a typical posting from Perez.

But TMZ? That's TRASHY.

In which I am creepily asked about my dating status

Early on in my job search, I scored my first interview with a man who would, if I were hired, be my boss. The BIG boss. The boss of all the employees. (Not that there were many working for him, but the point is, he was the big cheese). I was interviewing for his main company, but he has this other side company also, and that's where he wanted me to come for the actual interview.

At night.

In an otherwise deserted shopping center. With empty, boarded-up storefronts.

In the middle of nowhere. I could hear coyotes howling nearby.

Also, I don't have a car. And all of the public transportation options I tried to find were all, "oh no WAY, we don't go that far out. Good luck, missy."

So I talked my wonderful friend Katie into driving me 45 miles away after work so that I could get to my first job interview. Poor Katie had had a horrible day of her own, but still agreed to drive my arse to a scary deserted shopping center while it got darker and darker outside.

Now, the man had said to me, "oh, I know it's after hours, but I'll be there and so will my office manager, and the building will still be unlocked, so you'll have no problem getting in." Those were, of course, all lies.

After pulling into the scary empty shopping center, I stood pulling at the locked door of the building while Katie sat in the car with the doors triple-locked. The door wouldn't budge. I pushed the call button next to the door. No one answered. I called the man to see if I was in the right place. No answer. Hmm.

This went on for about 20 minutes until a kindly gentleman who was leaving the building (unclear what he was doing in the nearly-deserted building in the first place, but whatever) let me in, and I finally made it upstairs and outside a second locked door leading to the seemingly empty office.

I called the man again...and again...and again. At this point, the interview was supposed to have started almost an hour ago. I finally got through to another employee, who told me that the man was on some kind of conference call and was supposedly driving over to the office now. Hooray. And then the office manager DID appear and let me in to the actual office. Double hooray.

The man FINALLY arrives and tells me he has to "take care of something" before the interview can start, and then disappears for another 20 minutes before reappearing looking extremely hassled and clutching his blackberry. I do not ask.

So, interview begins - approximately 80 minutes after I arrived. Also, Katie is still waiting in the car.

It soon becomes clear that this man is crazy. He is convinced that Twitter is "the future of the company" and that the reason the company hasn't had such a great year is due to the lack of adequate tweeting. At one point he mentions that if hired, I would be "the face" of the company. To which I replied, "oh, does that mean that you don't want to be a spokesperson?"

Man, looking at me like I've lost my mind: "Of course I'm the spokesperson. I AM the company."

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I misunderstood - you would be the face, then?"

Man: "Excuse me? You are the face."

Me: "Ok...but not...but I wouldn't actually speak on behalf of...the company, then."

Man: "Well, you would do some interviews."

Me: "Oh, ok, so I would also be a spokesperson."

Man: "I AM THE SPOKESPERSON."

Me: "I...alright."

The man then mentions that they are looking to fill the position IMMEDIATELY, and also, that I would have to move. To another city. I'm ok with that, right? Like, perhaps I could start on Monday? That's IF I'm offered the job, of course, which hasn't been decided yet. But if offered, I could be in the new city on Monday, right?

Me: "Oh! Well...gosh, I mean, I would need to find a place to live, first."

Man: "You can't stay with a friend?"

Me: "Um, well, I would also have to figure out what to do with my current lease, here, and also, you know, move all of my stuff, and also I don't have a car. I would probably need a car. I'm, ha, you know, also a little hesitant to commit to moving right now, this city is sort of my home now and..."

Man: "Are you single?"

Me: "Erm...pardon?"

Man: "Are you single. Do you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "Um...ah, no, not...not right now."

Man: "Then there's nothing keeping you here then, huh?"

Me, inwardly: I...feel like I just took a bullet. Thank you.

Man: "There's a lot of single guys in [new city]."

Me: "Ha...ha...I'm...well, that's...good."

Man: "We'll find you someone. You won't be alone."

Me: "I...ok."

And thus ended the interview. Katie was thankfully still alive when I made it back to the scary parking lot and was the best sport ever about the whole thing.

A few days later I got a call from the man offering me the job, but due a hesitancy to move and numerous creepy feelings about the whole situation, I turned it down...at which point he got decidedly pissed and tried to bully me into taking it, but thankfully I stood my ground. "I've only been interviewing for a few weeks," I thought, "I'll have better options to choose from!"

HA. What an idiot I am.

It turns out, though, that the man ended up getting fired four months later, which means I would have been fired right along with him. So I would have given up my lease, moved to a new city of complete strangers, and STILL been unemployed.

But there WAS the promise of single men. Oh well.

Hello, internets!

Hello internets!

I haven't really attempted this whole "blogging" thing before, but I figure, you know, first time for everything. Also, I've got a lot of time on my hands these days.

Anyway, like many, many, MANY people out there, I lost my job this year. I've been going through the tricky, nerveracking and exhausting process of trying to find another one - obsessively checking job sites, sending out resumes, volunteering, searching for unpaid temporary jobs, awkwardly attending networking events only to find out that 97% of people there are also unemployed, calling up everyone I've ever met to see if they know of a job, any job, anywhere.

And then sometimes, one of these things actually works! And I get an interview somewhere! And I would say that roughly half of the people I've interviewed with have been perfectly pleasant and kind, and it unfortunately hasn't worked out in my favor - sometimes you're just not the right person for the job.

But the other half of my interviews have been terrible. TERRIBLE, I tell you. To the point where I almost believe that I'm being punked, and Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out at me from behind a potted plant in his trucker hat, even though I'm not at all famous, he stopped wearing trucker hats circa 2003, and that show isn't even on anymore.

I have to say that I'm grateful that I've even had any interviews at all - I know so many people that haven't gotten any yet. It's awful out there. But there is something particularly painful about getting super psyched about the possibility of actually landing a job again and then having it ALL COME CRASHING DOWN and leaving you in a mingled state of shock, despair and utter bewilderment.

So, instead of forcing my friends and family to listen to me rehash my terrible interviews over and over again, I thought I would just start writing it down. Surely there are other people out there who are going through the same experiences - maybe it would help if we all knew that we weren't alone. These ridiculous employers are sitting there, all smug because of their "jobs" and "steady income" and "ability to pay bills on time," and handing us poor souls some TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO-GOOD, VERY BAD INTERVIEWS.

And so I present...Terrible Interviews.