In which the guest blogger throws the interview

Goooooooood morning internets! I hope you're all stuffed with delicious food and have had lots of sleep over the holiday - with the exception of my friends in the news business, in which case - holidays? What are those?

Anyway, today we kick off the week with another appearance from my friend "Jack." This is the second of Jack's excellent terrible interview stories.

A few years ago, Jack went in to interview with an EXTREMELY prestigious organization. And I mean, like, PRESTIGIOUS. It was a BIG DEAL. The BIG TIME. So naturally, Jack was very excited to have this opportunity.

So, Jack walks into his interviewer's office, all psyched up and READY TO GO, and meets his interviewer. And immediately realizes that something is...off. But what? What is it?

Oh. The man...has his JAW WIRED SHUT.

"Huh," thinks Jack. "That's...awkward. Well, I guess it...happens. Surely he'll make some kind of joke about it and we'll get on with this interview."

And...no. The man DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that his JAW WAS WIRED SHUT. He DID NOT EVEN MENTION IT. And if you've ever met anyone with their jaw wired shut, you'll know that THEY CAN'T REALLY TALK and are reduced to making WHISTLING AND GRUNTING SOUNDS instead of actual words.

So. Jack is forced to sit through 30 minutes of awkward, grunting questions from the man with the jaw wired shut. During these 30 minutes, Jack realizes that the man is crazy and that he does not, under any circumstances, want to work for him.

The trouble is, though, that generally, at this organization, if you are offered a job and you turn it down, you are pretty much blacklisted from any other openings. Which Jack did not want.

"Gaaaah," thinks Jack. "What to do? WHAT TO DO?"

And then, it dawns on him. If he doesn't GET a job offer, he won't HAVE to turn it down, and will be free to interview for any other fabulous positions at said organization.

So. Jack realizes he must...THROW THE INTERVIEW.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN.

"Srrrrroooooo," says man with jaw wired shut. "Durrrrrr yurrrrrr harve arnnnnnnny werknerrrssssssessssss? Warrrrrrrrrrt ssss brrrrggrrst werknssssss?"

[Translation: "So, do you have any weaknesses? What is your biggest weakness?" How Jack managed to understand any of this is a mystery.]

"Erm..." says Jack. "I....I...."

"Yssssss?" says the man with the jaw wired shut.

"I...I have a dog-like need for approval," says Jack.

Silence from the man with his jaw wired shut.

Needless to say, he did not call Jack back. Whether this is because Jack succesfully bombed the interview, or because he could not utter enough coherent words to make a phone call, remains unclear.

But anyway, Jack's plan worked, as he did not have to turn down said job, and ended up getting another awesome job within said organization, and lived happily ever after.

Hooray!

In which we have a guest blogger

Hello hello hello! Today we have another visitor to the Terrible Interviews blog - my friend "Jack." Say hello to Jack! Jack actually has TWO terrible interview stories to share, and they're both so good that I'm posting them one at a time.

Anyway - enjoy! And happy Thanksgiving!
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.

"Jack's" story:

I was interviewing once for a political job--my first out of college. I was bright-eyed and bushy tailed, with visions of earning money and working 40 hours a week and marrying my girlfriend.

(Note from [K]: Holy cats. If only every guy I met had the same visions. Sigh. Anyway...back to Jack.)

I get to the interview, where I am interviewed by two people.

[Interviewer #1]: "So...what is the LEAST amount of money you could live on?"

Me: Awkwardly smiling. And squirming. And adding things in my head like rent, food, gas. "Welp...probably $1,500 a month."

[Interviewer #1]: "Oh. Okay. We really don't have money to pay you."

Me: Still awkwardly smiling.

[Interviewer #1]: "The money you earn as a salary is money we can't spend on the candidates. With the money we spend on your salary, we could buy roadsigns, or pay for phone banks. E.g....if you're padding that number at all..."

Me, inwardly: And I am...

[Interviewer #1]: "You're putting Missouri's political future at risk."

[Interviewer #2]: "And how many hours can you work in a month? I mean, literally, how many hours?"

Me, awkwardly laughing and more squirming: "Oh! I don't know! Let me think here. Probably about...300."

Me, inwardly: Quickly performing calculations in my head - this means I'll earn $5 an hour. I've...never earned that little. Even when I was a sophomore in high school.

[Interviewer #1]: "And are you dating anyone?"

Me, inwardly: Good gracious. Where is this leading?

Me, for real: "Um, yes. I have a great girlfriend named [Jehosophat]. We've known each other for about 18 months now."

[Interviewer #2]: "Oh. Well, this job will probably break you up."

Me: Silence.

[Interviewer #2]: "Most people who've had this job before with a girlfriend usually don't make it. Its probably best if you start single."

Me: "Right! Perfect. Thanks! Makes sense!"

And then "Jack" got the hell out of there.

In which the interview is just terrible

Uggggh. This interview I'm about to describe was one of those interviews where it wasn't even all that funny, or unbelievable, or ridiculous. It was just...not good. An actual terrible interview. I may or may not have cried afterwards.

Alas, I will tell the story anyway. It is a short one.

I got a call OUT OF NOWHERE to come and interview for a political organization. And when I say out of nowhere, I mean OUT OF NOWHERE. The call went something like this:

Me: "Hello?"
[Caller]: "Hello, [K]?"
Me: "Yes?"
[Caller]: "This is [caller] calling from [political organization]."
Me: "Ah...well hello, there."
[Caller]: "I'm calling about the job opening?"
Me: "Oh! The...job opening?"
[Caller]: "Yes. We recieved your resume about the press opening?"
Me: "Erm...really?"
[Caller]: "Uh...yes?"
Me: "Erm...I mean...oh, THAT press opening! Um, yes! Great!"
[Caller]: "OK, great, we'd like you to come in tomorrow, I'll send you an email with more details - bye!"

Click.

WHAT?

Sooo...I had essentially no idea what I'm about to interview for, and did not want to appear like an idiot by saying, "erm, could you just...remind me what this job is again?" But thankfully the "email with more details" included, at least, a job title, from which I could somewhat infer what the job actually was.

It turned about to be a press job focusing on healthcare legislation. Hmmm.

Nevertheless, I was excited because YAY JOB INTERVIEW. I have virtually no healthcare experience, but I figured that this interview came about from one of the many wonderful wonderful friends of mine who have been passing my resume around to various people and places, and it sounded like a good job to me, so I studied studied studied up on healthcare issues and was raring to go. Besides, they wouldn't have called me if they didn't like my resume, right? Right!

I arrive at said political organization and meet with two men - one a nice, older gentleman who kindly pulls my chair out for me when I go to sit down; and one a younger, arrogant, beefy-looking jerkface. ASSHAT JERKFACE.

[Older Gentleman]: "Very pleased to me you!"

Me: "Thank you, it's nice to meet both of you! Thanks for having me!"

[Jerkface]: "Yeah."

Me, inwardly: Oh, boy.

[Jerkface]: "So what do you know about Wyoming?"

Me: "Pardon?"

[Jerkface]: "WHAT. DO. YOU. KNOW. ABOUT. WYOMING."

Me, inwardly: Oh. I forgot that there is a connection to Wyoming in this organzation. Although this job in particular has very little to do with Wyoming, I STILL RESEARCHED IT ANYWAY. SO THERE.

Me: "Oh, well let's see.." blah blah interesting facts about Wyoming and how it relates to said organization blah blah.

[Jerkface]: "Hmmm."

Me: Nervous silence.

[Older gentleman]: Smiles kindly.

[Jerkface]: "I see you worked in the energy sector."

Me: "Yes. I did indeed."

[Jerkface]: "Talk to me about energy."

Me, inwardly: Ugh. Once again...I know where this is going. EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE A FREAKING ENERGY EXPERT JUST BECAUSE THEY SAW AL GORE'S POWERPOINT SLIDEHOW MOVIE. ARGH.

Me, for real: "Sure! I worked on..." blah blah energy blah.

[Jerkface]: "Mmm-hmmm. Well, you're not really selling me on this."

Me: "I...pardon?"

[Jerkface]: "You know this is a press job, right? You know that you have to be able to sell a story, right?"

Me: "Uh...yes."

[Jerkface]: "So, yeah."

Me: "Erm...I'm sorry, I wasn't...I should say, I was just describing what I worked on, I didn't realize you wanted me to pitch- "

[Jerkface]: "I see from your resume that you have no healthcare experience."

Me: "Erm. Yes, that is correct, but- "

[Jerkface]: "You know this position deals primarily with healthcare, right?"

Me: "Yes, I- "

[Jerkface]: "Why did you send your resume in if you don't have a healthcare background?"

Me: "Well, I - I didn't. You...you guys actually called me."

[Jerkface]: "I suppose you don't really understand how [political entity] works, either, since I can see that you haven't worked there previously?"

Me: "Well, not specifically in [political entity], but I worked in [similar political entity] and - "

[Jerkface]: "Yeah well it's different here."

Me: "Well...ok."

[Jerkface]: "OK yeah thanks for coming in."

Me: "Um...thanks."

End of interview. I cry on walk home. A little. OK maybe more than a little.

But honestly, to all of you jerkface interviewers out there, I AM JUST TRYING TO GET A JOB. Why must you be mean to me in interviews? WHY? WHYYYYYY. I do not see the point in being a jerkface. Am I INSULTING you somehow by coming in for an interview? Do you simply want to assert your smug superiority because you are employed and I am not?

Believe me, you DO NOT NEED TO HUMILIATE ME. I am already feeling COMPLETELY HUMILIATED and CANNOT BE KNOCKED DOWN ANY MORE PEGS THAN I ALREADY HAVE BEEN. I am OUT OF PEGS to be KNOCKED DOWN.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

In conclusion...if I ever run into Mr. Asshat Jerkface in a bar, I'm...I'm...going to get someone a lot bigger than me - and who's also a boy - to punch him in the face while I hide at the other end of the bar. So WATCH OUT.

In which the posting lies about the salary

Good morning, internets! Today's terrible interview story comes courtesy of my good friend "Betty," in which she travels a long, long way for a job interview only to find out that her interviewers are dirty liars. Read on!

Hello! To set the scene: I was somewhat lucky getting out of college; I landed the first job I applied for that I actually wanted. This was a marketing job at a VERY well-known venue, where I was the right-hand-lady to the director of marketing. The pay was decent and was an excellent first job, but it was entry level. I began to feel I was hitting a dead end after about two years, and I wanted a better title for my resume.

Oh - and did I mention that my boyfriend still lived in a southern state that was ten driving hours away and I desperately wanted to move down there? Little did I know how difficult the interviewing process could REALLLLLY be.

One of the most challenging things about trying to find a job in another part of the country is the inability to have interviewers take your interest seriously. When I began searching, I must have applied for a dozen jobs that I was OVER-qualified for. I wrote excellent cover letters about my experience and skills. And I never heard from any of these companies because people didn't want to bother with someone so far away.

It happened upon a beautiful spring Monday on Indeed.com: "MARKETING AND EVENTS MANAGER FOR [RADIO COMPANY] IN [CITY 70 MILES FROM BOYFRIEND]."

OH THE GLEE I felt when I read this headline. And it got better! I was QUALIFIED! Minimum 2 years experience in Marketing and Event Planning (CHECK!), Willingness to work nights and weekends as necessary (CHECK!), Same Salary I was making at the time! AWESOME! I know "Same Salary" doesn't sound too appealing, but it was definitely a raise when you considered the difference in cost of living and the obvious money savings from no longer buying plane tickets every other month. This job was everything I could ask for. JACKPOT.

Even though I was at work, I closed my office door, put my phone on Do Not Disturb and began primping my standard cover letter for this position. My event planning experience - sooooo much to tell! In the introduction, I even mentioned that I was willing to relocated at my own expense. Oh, and that I was planning on traveling down to [CITY] that very weekend to spend Easter with my family in the area. (Lies, such lies.) I would be more than happy to stop in on Friday!

I swear my cell phone rang 20 minutes after I hit SUBMIT APPLICATION. Wow. [CITY] area code! I gather myself for a moment then answer...breezy. Sooo breezy.

Me: "Hello, this is Betty."
[Interviewer]: "Hello Betty! My name is [Interviewer]. You expressed interest in a position with [Radio Company] and I was very excited to see your resume and read about your current position. Are you available to chat right now?"
Me: "Actually, I'm at work - I could talk around lunch time, if you're available..."
[Interviewer]: "Absolutely! Can I call you around 12:30?"
Me: "Sure thing!"

Obviously, I only said I was at work to buy some extra prep time. At this point, I pull out a pad of paper and start mapping out ALL of my event management skills. I make a list of every potential question he could ask. I do my online research about the company. Ooooh, [Radio Company] owns sooo many stations in [my current city]! I don't listen to a single one of them because they are terrible. Better read up!

12:30 Rolls Around. Office door is shut. Phone is on Do Not Disturb. Fresh bottle of water by my side. I clear my throat a few times and give myself a "Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock" pep talk: You are awesome. You're better than awesome, you're F-ing Betty. You can easily land this job. Simple. Y ou would make [CITY] your bitch! You'll eat this interviewer for----

Cell rings. It's him! IT'S HIM!!!

Me: "Hello this is Betty."
[Interviewer]: "Good afternoon Betty! Is this a good time?"
Me: "Sure!"
[Interviewer]: "Wonderful. So I can see from your resume that".....blah blah blah.

30 Minutes of excellent discussion later:

[Interviewer]: "Well, if you can come down I would definitely love to meet you. You said you will be visiting your family in [CITY] for Easter this weekend?"
Me: "Yes! I am coming down Thursday night and could come in Friday if that works."
[Interviewer]: "Yes that does work! Can you come in around 11am?"
Me: "Sure!"
[Interviewer]: "One last thing before we hang up...I can see from your cover letter that your current salary is $___. Are you aware of what this position would pay? It would be a lateral move. I just want to make sure you are comfortable with that."
Me: "Definitely. As long as I'm making the same salary, I will be fine. It's cheaper to live down there than it is here."
[Interviewer]: "Excellent! See you Friday. I am very excited to meet you! Have a nice trip down!"

I have an interview in [CITY] 3 days. Don't even know how I am getting there. Panic time.

----

Friday morning at 11:00am. I am in my new suit in [CITY]. I had taken a $250 13-hour train ride the day before. My aunt drops me off at [Radio Station]. I walk in and get my 'Visitor' nametag. After about 10 minutes of sitting in the waiting room, a man enters. He is dressed like he is going on a jungle safari. Behind him is a young attractive girl in a suit. He shakes her hand and says he'll be in touch. Weird. She is obviously also there interviewing for the same position. Couldn't jungle safari interviewer have scheduled us a little further apart?

[Interviewer]: "Betty?"
Me: "Hello!"
[Interviewer]: "Nice to meet you! Come on back."

I get a tour of the radio station and he takes me to a conference room. He interviews me. It is pretty standard discussion, but about 20 minutes in I realize that I am definitely over-qualified for this job. I'm sure they are just taking advantage of the recession and high unemployment when they ask for two years experience. This could easily be entry level.

I do not care. It has "Manager" in the title and it is an hour from my boyfriend.

Jungle safari interviewer is wrapping up. We have discussed the timeline of how long it would take me to move and how much notice I had to give my current boss.

[Interviewer]: "And you are aware of the salary, correct?"
Me: "Yes. It was on the posting. It is literally my same salary, but I am fine with that."
[Interviwer]: "Right. But you said you didn't mind because it was cheaper to live here."
Me (confused inquisitive look): "Yes. Which is why I would not expect to make MORE than I make at my current job, even though I have the experience."
[Interviewer]: "Yeahhhhh. But it is cheaper to live down here. You said so yourself. You said you didn't mind a paycut."
Me: (What Planet Are You From Look): "Ummm...are you saying that the posting had inaccurate salary information?"
[Interviewer]: "Well, this is radio. Its not lke your current job with endless budgets. The salary I am offering is $___." ($10k less than my current salary- also $10k less than what was posted.)
Me: (Stunned Look): "Wow. Thats...low. Really low. I can't live on that."
[Interviewer]: "Oh. Well you said on the phone that this wouldn't be a problem."
Me: "I was referring to the POSTED AMOUNT."
[Interviewer]: "Soooo.....?"
Me: "Well...it was nice meeting you. I guess we're done here."

It was DEFINITELY the most awkward end to an interview ever. He walked me out but neither of us spoke except for an awkward goodbye, nice meeting you, good luck. What I was really thinking was, "Have fun on your jungle safari, weirdo. I hope you get eaten by a tiger."

And I meant it. Who lies about a salary on a job posting?

Do you have a terrible interview story?

Internets, I'm sad to inform you that one of these days I am going to run out of interview stories to tell. But - oh no, don't cry, it's - oh, gosh, ok well I'll wait while you pull yourself together.

OK? Everyone good? Well, I will eventually run out of stories - you know, when I finally get a job, so in about, oh, 73 years - BUT it doesn't mean that the hilarious and terrible tales have to end!

Do YOU have a terrible interview story that you would like to share with the TENS OF PEOPLE who read this blog EVERY DAY? You do? HOORAY.

Let me know and I will post it here. I will even write it for you if you don't feel like doing it yourself. Oh yes. I have time on my hands, friends.

So. Think about it. Let me know. Tell your own terrible interview stories, and watch as all of your wildest dreams come true.

Erm...that is, if your wildest dream is to appear on...this blog.

In which my interviewer has no idea who I am

So. Have you ever gone into an interview and had the sneaking suspicion that your interviewer has no idea who you are? Like, you know, he was really hassled that morning and didn't have time to get any coffee and he's kind of got a lot on his mind and sort of forgot that you were supposed to be coming in for an interview, and then all of a sudden you show up in the doorway of his office and he's all, "Oh! Hey...hey, uh, you! Who...I mean, do you, uh, have a copy of your resume? Because I don't, uh, have - have it on me. Yeah."

And then, because you are an interview PRO at this point and DO have MULTIPLE copies of your resume, you pass it over to him, and he tries to act like he's just skimming it, but you can tell that he's really trying to read it intently because he STILL HAS NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE?

And then he says "Soo...I, uh, I'm not really sure what to ask you, because I, well - I sort of forgot you were coming in today."

And you say, "Oh! Um...well, I...I guess I'll just tell you about my background, and why, um...why I might be good for this - this job," and you awkwardly talk about yourself for ten minutes?

And then, of all the things you mentioned, for some reason he latches onto the fact that you once used a Canon ZR900 digital camera, and he asks you 15 questions about various Cannon models and whether he should buy one?

And then he thanks you for coming in, and then you never hear from him again?

Anyone? No? Just me?

Super.

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, in retrospect, he looked a lot like this creepy man.

And that makes me shudder because that is the SCARIEST COMMERCIAL I HAVE EVER SEEN. I want to tell that women to RUN FOR HER LIFE because her boyfriend is an AXE MURDERER who has probably already taken the battery out of her car and cut all the phone lines to their mountain cabin.

I don't care what kind of necklace he gives you, lady, it's NOT WORTH IT.

In which my interviewer tells me about her dating past

Gooooooood morning internets! Sorry for the weeklong delay in posting. Sorry sorry sorry. But we are BACK with a brand-new terrible interview story.

Now, I was holding off on posting this one, because I thought I actually had a decent shot at landing this job, because I came in twice and met everybody and they were all "well this is just GREAT when can you start?" and I was all "oooh immediately! IMMEDIATELY!"

And then I never heard from them again.

So. I guess now I can blog about it. Yay, silver lining.

Alright, so this job was a press job at an, erm...controversial organization, if you will. I won't get into specifics, but let's just say, had I gotten the job, I probably would have alienated, ah, roughly half of my friends. And half of America, maybe. But WHATEVER, I NEED A JORB, PEOPLE.

So.

Due to a variety of weird timing and scheduling issues, I ended up having to meet my interviewer, a lady who would have been my boss, at a cafe on a Saturday afternoon at 2 p.m.

I show up at said cafe at 1:50.

"I'm a little early," I think, "so I'll just wait for a bit."

La la la, waiting.

2:15. Hmm. Not here yet. Fine, no problem, just keep waiting.

2:30. Uggggh. Really? It is just me, or do I always end up waiting for these people? Is any interviewer capable of showing up on time? ANYONE?

2:45. Nothing.

2:50. OMG MAYBE I HAVE THE WRONG CAFE. Oh my gosh. Must call and find out.

[Interviewer lady]: "Hello?"

Me: "Erm, hello, hi, this is [K], I was just calling to check that I, um, had the right time for us to- "

[Lady]: "Yeah I was just going to call you. I'm just finishing up a photo shoot with [head of company]. I'll be there in 20 minutes."

Me: "OK, great! See you then."

Click.

I wait for 20 minutes...plus another 30 after that until [lady] finally arrives. Hooray.

[Lady]: "OK," she says. "Let's get started."

Blah blah standard interview stuff blah blah.

[Lady]: "Oh, I see that you have some radio experience - I started out in radio."

Me: "Oh, really?"

[Lady]: "Yep, and later on I worked for [famous radio host] for awhile."

Me: "Oh wow, I love [famous radio host]!"

[Lady]: "Well, she's no fun to work for, let me tell you."

Me: "Really? Why not?"

[Lady]: "I mean, I started producing for her, and then she would want me to do stuff like...run errands for her, and hire painters to paint her living room."

Me: "She did?"

[Lady]: "Yeah, and then when she didn't like the painters I hired, she wanted me to paint it myself."

Me: "Woah."

[Lady]: "Yeah. This guy I was engaged to at the time kept telling me, you know, that's not normal."

Me: "Haha. Well, no, I would think not."

[Lady]: "Anyway. I see here that you worked on a documentary?"

Me: "Oh, yes! I did, it was for PBS and it was about the civil rights movement in Virgina. Actually, it aired this year."

[Lady]: "That's great, I actually used to work on documentaries for the History Channel and the Travel Channel."

Me: "Oh, wow. That must have been amazing."

[Lady]: "Yeah." Pauses. "Let's watch a trailer!"

Pulls out laptop and starts loading trailer.

Me: "Oh...ok! Great! Sure!"

So, we watch the trailer for this documentary she worked on. At one point the trailer shows a cute little old couple sitting side-by-side on a park bench.

Me: "Aww. They look like a nice couple."

[Lady]: "Yeah."

Long pause.

[Lady]: "Do you think that people really can stay together forever?"

Me: "Erm."

[Lady]: Watching me intently.

Me: "Erm...I...yes, I think so. Um, if you're - if you're lucky, I guess."

[Lady]: "Yeah." Pauses again. "I'm on my way to visit my boyfriend later. He lives in [nearby city]."

Me: "Oh! Um, well, that's - that's nice, that's not so far away."

[Lady]: "It's not, although it does get a little annoying."

Me: "Ah. Well, yes, I suppose it would."

[Lady]: Staring dreamily off into space.

Me: "Erm...well, maybe someday he'll move here, so you won't have to keep going back and forth."

[Lady]: "Yeah, because I hate moving. This other guy that I was engaged to..."

Me, inwardly: Ah...two engagements? Did I hear that right?

[Lady]: "We moved in together, and we did it the best way ever. I hired people to pack for me and then unpack for me. We got to the new apartment that night and it was like we had lived there for a year."

Me: "Erm..."

[Lady]: More dreamy silence.

Me: "Ha, that's - that's definitely the way to move!"

[Lady]: "Yeah. Anyway, can you come in again this week?"

Me: "Oh...sure."

There was definitely more relationship talk to this interview, but I sadly can't remember what else she brought up - all I know is that by the end of it, I knew, like, her entire romantic life story. Then I came all the way back to DC to meet with other people at the company, which ended up being a five-minute interview consisting mainly of talking about my Amtrak train ride.

And then I never heard from them again. Just as well. I did like that lady, actually, but I could tell she's an over-share-er. And one generally does not want to work for an over-share-er.